you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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