This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
