Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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