MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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