my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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