They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
