420 ftw
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
