i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
