Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
