woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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