You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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