She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
