does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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