i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just had sex bonerless
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
