I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you are never too drunk for berry picking
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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