true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
