so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
