Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
