are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
