I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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