Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
