I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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