I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
