the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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