I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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