She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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