I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
