i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
