Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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