i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
