New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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