If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
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I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots