I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.