I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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