i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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