One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
