My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
