how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
