i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
