I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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