Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
