alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
