bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
