guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
