I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
