Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In other news, I just burned my penis
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
