The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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