The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
