im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
