Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
