Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
