i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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