she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
