I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
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I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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