This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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