How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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