i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
