my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
