i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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